Just Blogging

So it has already been a week (or more) since I blogged. Sometimes I think of things to blog but it seems so small that is doesn't seem worth it. I wonder if it is. I'm wondering what part blogging should have in my life, if any part. Is what I think or have to say that important? What is the point of blogging? To get readers? To see who cares about what you say? I love reading other peoples blogs, why is that? Are we all just so interested in what is going on in others lives that we read, essentially, their journal, not that people put things on their blogs that they would put in a person journal.... I hope not any way.

Any way, here are some things I'm thinking about:

On Thanksgiving we alway go to Texarkana to be with Richard's family. Some years I look forward to it and other years not so much. This year was a not so much year, mostly due to being sick for so long and fatigued. So we went and it rained harder than I have ever seen it rain. It was while we were driving between Alexander and Malvern. I was so afraid. You literally couldn't see 1/8 of a mile in front of you, it was worse if the person in front of you didn't have their lights on. In my mind I was complaining to God and wanting to tell Richard to take me home. We went to Texarkana and had a nice day and came home a little early, for which I was thankful :) The next night I was on the computer but listening to the news. They had a report about a house fire in Pulaski County, for some reason I looked at the TV and realized they were talking about another homeschool family. I couldn't believe it. As I thought about it later, it made me grateful that the rain had come and had come in buckets...the family lost everything but they all survived, with no injuries, but I wondered if it hadn't rained so much or so hard, would the house have burned faster? I won't know and don't need to, but it sure changed my perspective about the rain.

Another subject: As of today I have been coughing for 59 days. I have been to the doctor several times, had blood drawn, x-rays, chest CT, on multiple meds.... not getting any better. Next Wednesday I'm having a bronchoscopy done so the doctor can look in my airways and take some samples to see if they can figure out what is wrong. I'm hoping they do figure out what is wrong and that it is treatable. This cough is very taxing and causes fatigue and shortness of breath. Being worn out is sort of putting a cramp in my life.... I'm usually finished shopping for Christmas by now and have everything wrapped. I'm not done shopping and have only wrapped 2 presents. Part of me doesn't care, because I'm so tired but another part of me wants to quickly get it done so I can rest. I've also discovered that physical fatigue can cause mental fatigue too, sort of weird. I know that it is possible that what ever this is might be something I have to live with. I've been praying that if that is the case that the Lord will show me how I'm supposed to live my "new normal" for His glory. It will be hard... at least this side of the grace I will need it seems hard. Just making my bed makes me cough. I don't get a lot done each day, but I am trying to do a few things each day, with rests in between. I want Him to get glory, no matter what happens.

November 24

Today I'm thankful for the Lord caring about the little things. I had to have a chest CT done today. It was supposed to be with contrast, that means an IV... yuck. I got there and was told that I didn't have to have contrast because insurance wouldn't pay for two CTs in one day. Yay!!!! That doesn't mean I got out of it all together but for today I did and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful that I was able to get a cd copy of the exam so my hubby can look at it when he gets home and I won't have to wait until next week to know the results :) God is so good, isn't He :)

November 23

Today I'm thankful that even when I don't feel like being thankful, I have so much to be thankful for. God chose me, Jesus died for me, I'm adopted into God's family and made a joint heir with Jesus. The Holy Spirit is a seal, a deposit, a comforter. God has taken care of every need I have, spiritual and physical. So on days I don't feel emotionally up or I don't feel like being thankful, I have these (and this is just a few things) to cling to.

Oh. My. Word. Where did three days go??? November 22

Wow!! I really can't tell you what I've been doing for the last three days. Maybe that is a sign I'm feeling better than I think. Let me think... Friday I did some shopping. I'm so thankful to have the energy to do some shopping and the money to shop with. I was at "our" new Target on University (I'm thankful for that, so we don't always have to run to West Little Rock). Okay, I'm starting to remember where the last three days went. Hope had play dress rehearsal on Friday and the first run of the play that night... I shopped a bit, between going between Little Rock and Maumelle.

Saturday: Second run of Hope's play and then two runs of the Cinderella play, which Hope was a stage manager, so I hung out in Maumelle/Summit church all day. I'm thankful for Hope's talent. My prayer is that the Lord uses her acting and singing for His glory, even if it is "just" singing to little ones or acting out bible stories to them. I put just in quotes because I think being a wife and mother is one of the most important roles a woman can have.

Sunday: Stayed home from church to take care of a sick hubby :( Poor guy! I'm thankful that I am well enough and have enough energy to care for him. I was able to go to the store and get the ingredients to make him one of his favorite meals.... chicken and rice :) I think that was the only time he smiled all day. It must have made him feel better... he went to work today. I'm thankful that he is such a diligent worker. I do hope he comes home early though, he still doesn't feel well.

Lastly, I'm thankful for my Lord. He is a loving and forgiving God. I know I've said before that I'm thankful for Him, but there is so much about Him to be thankful for.

November 19

Oops, forgot to post yesterday. Yesterday, I was (and I still am) thankful for a doctor who has a plan to get me better and stop coughing. She was kind, understanding and down to earth. I like that. I'm very grateful for her.

Today, I'm just thankful to be a child of God. I know that I have not really even touched the surface of fully knowing Him and as long as I'm on this earth it will be that way. I think He keeps it that way because if we really knew Him while we lived on this earth we would all be overcome and die. I don't think these mortal minds can contain the full knowledge of God. I've heard some people say that even when we get to heaven we still won't know or comprehend Him completely. He is good.... Okay I could totally start listing His attributes but I won't, suffice to say I'm thankful that I am the Lord's child.

November 17

It is raining. I'm home alone. It is peaceful. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the sound of the rain on the roof. I'm thankful for the knowledge that this rain is very much needed and God is providing it. I'm thankful that it didn't really start raining until I was home for the day. There is even a bit of thunder and lightning. I praise God for that as well, because it testifies to His work in my life. I used to be so afraid of thunder and lightning. Now the only reason to not like it is it makes the dog agitated so he walks around growling. What a pleasant evening :)

November 16 thankfulness

I'm thankful for having a little kitchen redo :) I was able by my husband's generosity to get new counter-tops and cabinet doors and hardware. I think it is really pretty. I was going to post pictures but I can't figure out how. Any computer savvy people want to help me... I have a Mac and when I click on the "add picture" button, nothing happens. I'll post them on facebook, befores and afters.

November 15... I'm still thankful

I've missed a couple of days but I'm still thankful. I'm thankful that I got the cabinets in the kitchen cleaned out on Saturday. That is part of the reason I missed blogging, I was cleaning and then I was exhausted. But it is done and ready for the new cabinet doors today, another thing I'm thankful for. Today we are having new cabinet doors put on in the kitchen. I'll take a picture and post it maybe tomorrow.

For yesterday's thanksgiving.... I'm thankful that 60 years ago yesterday my sweet husband was born. It seems weird to think he is 60 years old. He certainly doesn't look that old! Though I think I agree with Dawn, he looks better as he ages :) I love the color of his hair. God has been so good to me to give me such a loving and generous husband. It makes me soo glad that God is in control of my life and not me!

November 12

I'm thankful that all parts of Hope's application to Master's arrived today so her application is complete. Now we wait. I'm thankful that she has chosen a completely biblically based college to go to. I'm thankful for a particular person who has encouraged me that Hope will be fine at Master's and that any area where I feel like she is weak will be taken care of there. This person is younger than I am but she is a great mentor and encourager :) I know that is because she walks with the Lord and is in His word, so she knows how to speak the truth in love. I'm very grateful for that.

November 11

Today I want to express thanks for veterans, all those who have served and sacrificed for our freedoms. I know in my family, my grandfather (Edbaby) fought in World War II. I have and uncle (Kent) who fought in Vietnam. He may not have come back with physical injuries but the emotional things he suffered were incredible. I also have two nephews who are in the Navy. Then there are the men in my church who are literally serving in dangerous places right now. I'm so thankful to these men. BUT I am thankful for their families as well. My goodness, I'm sure we have NO idea what they endure, especially those whose husband/daddies are in the dangerous places. What a sacrifice those families are making for our freedoms. Thank you all so much!!! God bless you!!

November 10

I'm thankful for the women in my life that challenge me to live a godly life. I don't want to name names because 1) I don't have permission from all of them 2) I don't want to leave anyone out and 3) I don't want anyone to be offended if they are not listed. Some of these women are younger than me! Some I know personally, some I just know from reading their blogs. These women convict me through their life, their writing or through their words to me. God is so kind and good to have these women in my life, using them to convict me and challenge me to be more like Christ. I pray the Lord honors these women for the way they live their lives before me and the world because they do bring glory to God through their lives... I think some of them don't even know it :)

November 9 today's thanks

Today I'm thankful... so many things come to mind today.... butterflies, breathing(without coughing), Hope singing, sharing my excitement about seeing Wicked with Hope, knowing my comfy bed will welcome me at the end of this busy day, new pics of the Esparza grandchildren on facebook, knowing Erik is making a good recovery from pneumonia, Hope's college application(all parts of it) will be to Master's by Monday, Zaza's for dinner, being reminded once again of our loving, gracious, forgiving covenant keeping God.... there is just so much :) "could we (I) with ink the ocean fill, and where the skies of parchment made, were every stalk on earth a quill...."

November 8 thanks

I'm so thankful for my husband!!! He is so loving and patient. His tender care of me, especially since I have been sick, is amazing. He doesn't complain that I can't take care of things the way I should or the way he or I would like me to. He doesn't complain that I don't have the energy to cook or if I do cook it is something really simple. He just thanks me for cooking dinner. He makes sure the humidifier is ready to go at bed time. Our humidifier has a bright orange light on it. When I turn on my left side to sleep it keeps me away, so I usually end up waking up in the middle of the night to cover it up with a towel. The other night I woke up and the light was already covered up. He had done it before he went to bed and after I was already asleep. I just put my head back down and smiled. What a thoughtful, loving, simple gesture that was. God has given me such a wonderful husband. I am so thankful for him. I hope he understands how thankful.

November 7 Sunday thanks

I'm so thankful for my church. I'm not talking about the building, though by God's grace we do have a nice building. I'm talking about the people, our pastors, deacons and elders. I know the leadership in our church is not perfect, we are all sinners, but I know they work hard to do the best and seek the Lord to do His will in their lives and in the lives of our church body. I'm thankful that our pastors preach the Word, even the hard things, even the "politically incorrect" things. The Lord Jesus didn't worry about stepping on toes, if needed and our pastors don't either. Sometimes they step (or stomp, as the case maybe) on my toes or should I say my heart. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful church with great leadership.

November 6 double thanks

Today I'm thankful for two things. Well, I'm really thankful for more than that but I'm going to talk about two today.

The first one is Ricola cough drop and throat drops. I have been coughing for a long time. Cough drops have become my fifth food group :) I can stand Hall's strawberry cough drops, in a pinch. Ricola cough drops stop my cough, they taste good and they have a variety of flavors. Yay for Ricola (no I have not been paid for this :D )

The second, and more important thing, well actually it is a person. It is my sister, Barb. Some years ago on November 6 she was born. She was my roommate from the time she was born until the day I got married. She is creative and always has been. She has a great laugh. She is so good about calling and keeping in touch. I wish we lived closer together but she loves Arizona and she is closer to her grandchildren (well, in December it will be all of them, right now it is just two of them) so I understand. I hope she has had a wonderful birthday. Barb, if you read this.... Happy Birthday! I love you.

Barb and her hubby, Gene

November 5 thanksgiving

Today I'm thankful for the Lord's teaching, leading and conviction. I think conviction is a sign that we are His children. If we go through life without a care as to what the Lord cares or thinks about our life or how we are living then we need to take a second look as to whether we are in the faith. So, I'm thankful for conviction, even when it really hurts. I'm grateful for the Lord's leading and teaching too. I have been suffering with a horrid cough for about 6 weeks. In the last week or so I have had the thought that maybe this is the new normal for me. My prayer is that I will get better and stop coughing but I also thought about what if I don't get better? Will I be willing to accept this from the Lord's hand? It is a hard thing to think about since at this point, exercise is out of the question and singing is very hard. I want to be accepting of the Lord's will whatever it is.... even a lot of coughing and shortness of breath. I'm thankful for these thoughts because I know that it is through the power of the Holy Spirit that I can even think about accepting a new normal and this makes me thankful. It confirms to me that the Lord is really working and that makes me thankful.

November 4 being thankful

Today I'm thankful for a particular part of Christ's body. The folks at Hope Bible Church in Maryland. This is the church where Dawn and Matt attend. We know several of the families that go there. We absolutely love them. We are on the same page spiritually. When Matt accepted the job he has we were concerned about them being sent to a place that might not have a spiritually ground church where they could be adequately fed. Oh how the Lord has answered our prayers above and beyond what we ever thought. This body of believers step up whenever they are needed, not just with Dawn and Matt but with all the people in the church. When a need is expressed, people are there to meet the need. For any of you HBC people who might happen to read this please know that I love you all and am so thankful to the Lord for your commitment to Him and to your being the hands and feet of our Lord to the Esparza family!!!

November 3 Thankful

Today I'm thankful for the misty, moisty day. We have so needed the rain. I just love how everything looks fresh and clean. I love that it is cold and wet. It makes me in the mood for yummy things like Autumn soup or a big pot of chili with warm buttery cornbread.

I'm thankful that the rain and the freshness it brings reminds me of the cleansing I receive from the Lord. By the blood of Christ I have been cleansed, the dirt and grime of sin removed, so now when the Father looks at me He sees a nice, clean, fresh Kathie. That is something to be truly thankful for!

November 2 a day to be thankful

Today I'm thankful to live in a country where we have the ability to vote and elect the people we want to govern us. A country where we can have Bibles, carry them in the open, talk about them. We can worship freely and openly. I'm glad I live where I live BUT I am sooo glad that this is not my home. I'm thankful the my real home is heaven where my Father lives. I know when the time is right He will call me home and for now He has blessed me with living in a free country. I'm so glad and I give thanks for that.

Taking a suggestion from a friend

I have one friend who suggested that for the month of November to blog every day about something we are thankful for, it is the month of thanks. I have another friend who blogs her thanks and numbers them.... she does it off and on all year. I'm going to try for each day this month. I hope my few (any?) readers don't faint :D

I'm thankful for computers and the internet. I know a lot of people use them for evil but a lot of people use them for good. There are several blogs I read that the Lord uses to convict and correct me. Yes, I am thankful for that, painful as it is at times. A computer and the internet allow me to keep in close contact with my far away family. We chat, web cam, e-mail, exchange pictures. It would be so hard to not be so connected. Think how quickly Facebook allows prayer requests to get out, so we can pray for our brothers and sisters. This week I needed to seek advice from a trusted friend in a very far away place. I was able to do that through the computer and the internet. I need to remember, when I sit down at my computer, to thank the Lord. It was the Lord that gave men the knowledge to come up with what we have.... it is so easy to take it for granted. Are you thankful for computers and the internet? Have you thanked the right One for it?

How Can She be Thirty?

Today is Autumn's birthday. She is thirty years old....today. Last night as the evening got late I began thinking about how the night went thirty years ago. I thought about my water breaking, thinking it was something else, then realizing what it was. I thought about the list I made of my contractions....they looked and felt consistent. I thought about getting to the hospital, how my mom beat me there, how the nurse told me my contractions were not consistent. They admitted me anyway. I remember getting sick....won't go into those details. I thought about my blood pressure getting high and the nurse giving me Demerol and telling me to imagine blowing a candle flame so it would gently flicker....how that worked to calm me. I thought about how quickly Autumn came. I thought about our moments together soon after she was born. Her father had gone home. We were in recovery. I remember looking at her and singing "Jesus love you" (same as Jesus love me). I remember praying for her. Funny, I wasn't a believer at that point, I thought I was, but I did earnestly pray for her.

Now, here we are thirty years later. Can it really have been thirty years. Truly it seems like it was just yesterday. The memories are so vivid. My child, my first girl, she is a woman....has been a woman for some time. It happened so fast. I am very proud of this woman. She has had struggles, hardship, heartache. She has not only survived those but has come out stronger. During those struggles, hardships and heartaches, I have continued to pray, but now I am a believer and I know who hears. I know He will answer in His time and for His glory. So, the question was asked, "how do you feel having a thirty year old child?" It feels grand. She is strong, loving, competent, beautiful (inside and out). She is a good wife, mother, daughter and nurse.

Autumn, I hope today is more than you hope for. I pray this next year is your best year yet. I hope you know how proud I am of you and how much I love you. momma

Stars and Enemy Ants

Last night, as I took the dog out for a bathroom break, I looked to see if I could see the stars. I could...it seems that has been rare lately. We have lot of light pollution here so I can't see many stars. That makes me sad but I started thinking about the stars and how I love them. Then I started thinking about God's grace and the stars. When there is a lot of light we don't see a lot of stars...when life is going "well" we (I) tend to not see God's grace, though I know I don't take a breath without it. Hope will be spending a good part of her summer at Broken Arrow...not much light pollution there. Oh the stars she will see because it is darker...well, less light. As life grows dark (hard trials) we see more grace. The heavens truly declare His glory...don't they?

Enemy ants, you ask? Yes, for some reason little tiny ants have decided they like the sink in the master bathroom. It is a bit gross, but I have taken to just smashing them with my finger and rinsing them down the drain. (our pest control guy is working on ridding us of them, but they are stubborn) So this morning, Richard and I were talking and I realized that we are like those ants. Those ants are the enemy, as far as I am concerned. We were/are God's enemy. I smash the enemy with my finger, which God could do to me and be perfectly justified in it. But instead He reaches down picks up this little ant and loves it, feeds it, cares for it and provides all it needs so it never has to die...this ant that is His enemy, He makes part of His family. Another way God uses His creation (in my life anyway) to declare His glory and grace. What an incredible God we serve!!

Thoughts

I've been thinking about my blog a lot lately.  I think of things to write but then wonder if it matters if I blog.  Most of the time the things I think about to write are just short little things.  I've wondered why people blog, why I blog, why I want to blog.  Maybe I need to just get on here and ramble like I'm doing right now :)

I've been angry with myself.  Three years ago I worked hard and lost a lot of weight.  I was very diligent to follow weight watchers for nine months, then I went on a trip and ever since then I have watched that weight come back, even though I have still attended the meeting!!!!  Just before the new year I got on the scale and had regained all but 8lbs of the weight I lost.  I guess that was finally enough and I have returned to weight watchers...not just the meetings but actually doing the program...eating appropriately and exercising.  Can I say I love our Wii!!  So since Dec. 29 I've been "on program".  If nothing else I'm feeling better emotionally, knowing I'm eating healthfully and exercising.

Next topic:

I started reading "365 day with John Newton".  I'm using in for my evening devotion.  The first four days were taken from a passage in 1 Chronicles, not sure exactly where and I don't want to get up to find out :)  They also went along with the song "Amazing Grace".  Some thoughts were, Who am I, not as in "I'm searching for myself, who am I?" but "who am I, that God would look at me, just some dirt."  The more I think about it the more I'm amazed.  I know I will never be able to wrap my mind around those thoughts... How could God, creator and sustainer of all things, love me, choose me.... Amazing Grace it is tooo amazing!

Other thoughts:

I can't believe Hope only has three semesters left of my schooling her.  She is so much fun.  I'm so grateful to God for her.  She isn't perfect, none of us are, but she is a joy and I'm so glad God gave her to me(us) 16 years ago.  Last night was homecoming and she looked so beautiful.  I'll post pictures once I get them uploaded from the computer.

Well, I think I'm out of thoughts.... I'm going to strive to blog more often this year... we will see :)